Pretty Little Liars: "We've All Got Baggage" Recap & Review

Wedding bells and murder weapons. Ah, yes. What else would you expect from the town of Rosewood? As always, the Liars have their plates full, with Emily's eggs being stolen from a fertility clinic, Spencer’s mother coming clean about her cancer, Ezra returning with his newly written book that Aria ghostwrote in his absence, and Hanna finding herself unemployed. You know, the usual.

When a wave of dirty politics hits the Hastings’ Senate campaign, Caleb takes the fall for Spencer after a secret someone uses her IP address to send out damaging reports. Spencer’s mother fires Caleb after he falsely confesses and he is consequently kicked out of the barn. That seems okay with him, because he’s more preoccupied with the suspicion surrounding Spencer’s sister. After all, Melissa’s broken suitcase could be the murder weapon in Charlotte’s death. Plus, Hanna conveniently remembers an absurdly unforgettable run-in with Spencer’s sister back in New York. It's funny how something like this would slip her mind...until the perfect time to label Melissa as the next red herring.

Emily meets a friendly face while ordering textbooks at Hollis, only to later find out that he’s an undercover reporter. With this knowledge, she turns the tables and weasels information out of him, discovering that Melissa returned early from London and therefore could have made the infamous call to the DeLaurentis house on the night of Charlotte’s murder. Emily heads out to the diner where the landline originated in search of more answers, only to find the parking lot and building empty. A monster pickup truck then begins threatening her, repeatedly barreling down on the young woman as she tries not to get made into a crushed hood ornament. Emily conveniently takes shelter on top of a large metal storage container after the truck manages to run over her cell. While up there, Emily just so happens to come across a long metal rod that looks suspiciously like the murder weapon!

But of course, she drops it, allowing the chaotic truck driver to reclaim the piece. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Montgomery asks his daughter to be the wedding officiant for his and Ella’s impending nuptials as Hanna finds temporary work acting as Ella’s stylist. The wedding goes off without a hitch, but all isn’t well for Aria. Obviously, to up the melodrama, Liam assumes the worst in regard as to why Aria wants to stay in Rosewood. Apparently, it never ever came up that she previously dated the literary darling of her publishing house. So when Fitz accidently drops the histrionic bomb to her new beau over lunch, it racks Aria with unnecessary guilt later on as she officiates her parents’ second walk down the aisle. Then, of course, Liam comes to the wedding, and the two quickly make up over the ridiculous quarrel. The reunion seems sweet until a couple of unexpected visitors show up on Aria’s doorstep following the ceremony. Since Aria’s now officiated, Alison and Elliot come to her, insisting that she marry the pair right then and there. And by the look on Aria’s face, she’s not particularly comfortable with the idea. 

PLL these days is pretty hit or miss. Sure, the series has descended to more of a soap-opera level that forces you to suspend all disbelief at the door, but it can be fun in a campy sort of way. When it’s not so much fun though, it’s really just pure melodrama without payoff. In addition, the transition from past to present in the five year time jump is still rough. The Liars themselves blossomed nicely into their future versions, but the same cannot be said about the supporting players. One in particular: Caleb Rivers. Remember the days when he was the rugged, rough-around-the-edges bad boy?

Yeah, those really are just memories now, because there’s not a single fleck of that guy left. Now, Caleb looks like a polished country club hipster, sporting polos and bright colors. Seriously, what happened to the leather jackets and devil-may-care attitude? He’s now another stuffed shirt in a line of replaceable cookie cutter men. And even after all these weeks, we still have no clue as to what the heck happened between Spencer and Toby. There’s unmistakable hostility on his end, and the destruction of their relationship might help us feel better about the sudden ship between Spencer and Caleb. Answers, PLL. We need answers.   

Episode Rating: C

     

Shadowhunters Review: Demons, and Angels, and Hotties, Oh My!

Adapted from Cassandra Clare’s worldwide best selling The Mortal Instruments book series comes FREEFORM’s attempt to cash in on the young adult fantasy craze with “Shadowhunters”. The story revolves around Clary Fray (Katherine McNamara), a New York City artist, who on her 18th birthday discovers the underbelly of an impossible world where vampires, werewolves, demons, and angelic hybrids all exist amongst humans.

As it turns out, Clary’s run-of-the-mill mother, Jocelyn has been hiding her daughter from the past and the magical properties that come with said knowledge. Jocelyn was once a Shadowhunter, a member of an elite order of guardians who slay demons and protect mankind. After Clary quite literally runs into Jace (Dominic Sherwood), a gorgeous demon-hunting bad boy, she notices he’s quite taken aback when she confronts him.

“You have the sight,” he mutters.

Little does Clary know that this chance encounter results in a domino effect that forever changes her life.

The Mortal Instruments is a sprawling urban fantasy world that rivals Harry Potter with its vast creature count, complex mythology, and universal laws. Shadowhunters are Nephilim offspring, which means they are of both human and angel decent. This dwindling race eradicates demons using powers granted to them by etching runes into their skin and weapons with Steles.

Confused?

Well, runes are magical symbols that give Shadowhunters abilities of all sorts, from speed to invisibility, and a stele is simply a blade made of the heavenly metal adamas used to draw them onto objects/flesh.

And apparently, us muggles, or “mundanes” as we’re referred to here, shouldn’t be able to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders. They’re invisible to the human eye. Now, “What’s a Downworlder?” you ask. It’s pretty much every other class of creature that doesn’t possess angelic blood. Vampires, werewolves, warlocks, witches, faeries, you name it. Then there's the rogue Shadowhunter, Valentine Morgenstern, who kidnaps Clary’s mother in his quest to recover the Mortal Cup, one of the three divine items given by the patron angel Raziel to Jonathan Shadowhunter, the first Nephilim. The Cup possesses magical transformative properties that can turn mundanes (humans) into Shadowhunters, just by drinking from the goblet. Plus, Shadowhunters also save on time and transportation fees by using various portals, five-dimensional doors that can rapidly transport them all over the world.

And the complexity doesn’t stop there, by any means, but you get the picture.

Even over the course of a 585 page book, the introduction to this series, City of Bones, is a lot to digest for a reader. For a television viewer, the story is painfully convoluted when the creator crams half that material right into the 42-minute pilot episode. Fans took issue over the rushed world building in the 2013 silver screen adaptation The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, yet Ed Decter doubled down on the critique when creating “Shadowhunters”.

Setting aside the problem of pacing, plenty of other issues plague this TV newcomer. MTV’s new fantasy series The Shannara Chronicles delivers the goods on the CGI front, only emphasizing how weak the special effects are for “Shadowhunters”. The overall production lacks value. Despite Mortal Instruments: City of Bones not being a perfect movie, the film still nailed the aesthetic of the novel, especially the majestic gothic architecture of the New York Institute. In “Shadowhunters”, we’re introduced to some strange high-tech police department instead. Plus, the choreography isn’t filmed well. The weapons look like toy lightsabers. There’s a blatant lack of chemistry between the two leads. The majority of the acting is subpar at best, excluding the delightful Alberto Rosende. And the script generally falls flat, even becoming cringe-inducing at some points with its clunking and cheesy dialogue. Even the gorgeous faces and six-pack abs can't mask the flaws.

What made the book series so special was not just the elaborate world, but the character complexities that drove each person. In “Shadowhunters”, everyone’s been whitewashed to clichés and stereotypes. For an avid reader and massive Cassandra Clare fan (such as myself), you most likely won’t appreciate this rendition. As for a newcomer to the intricate world of The Mortal Instruments, this televised version will most likely leave you scratching your head in confusion due to the inexhaustible information dump during the first two episodes. Is it possible that the Shadowhunting realm should remain only in print? For now, the odds sadly lean heavily in favor of yes.

Pretty Little Liars: "Of Late I Think of Rosewood" Recap & Review

Tuesday launched FREEFORM, the new name for ABC Family, with the Winter Premiere for PLL.

Summer’s finale hinted at the impending danger awaiting the Liars upon their return to the infamous town of Rosewood five years after “A”’s reveal. Hanna’s taking the fashion world by storm in New York, Spencer’s political aspirations have taken her to D.C., Aria’s pursuing her artistic passions in Los Angeles, and Emily seems to have lost her way in sunny California. And…that’s about it. For anyone who caught the Thanksgiving special back in November, none of this is news.

And this snooze-fest of exposition isn’t the only pain that will have to be endured. After investing years of interest in the show’s beloved couplings, everything has gone up in smoke upon this winter’s return.

Hanna’s engaged…to someone who isn’t Caleb.

Spoby is no more.

Emily didn’t rekindle her relationship with Paige, even though they both wound up on the west coast.

And the forbidden romance between Aria and Ezra is nothing but a distant memory.

Anywho…

After extensive rehabilitation, the courts believe that Charlotte, a.k.a “A,” may be ready to be reintroduced into society. Given how broken her home life has become, Charlotte is the only real family Alison has left. To ensure Charlotte’s best chances to be freed, a hopeful Ali begs her old friends to put in a good word. Time may heal all wounds, but half a decade still isn’t enough for Hanna, Emily, Aria, and Spencer to be overly forgiving. Old habits die hard though as they eventually (and nonsensically) cave into Alison's request by speaking up on Charlotte’s behalf. They tell the courts that they are no longer afraid of “A”, despite the fact that she tried killing them all on more than one occasion.

Everyone flat-out lies…except Aria, who breaks down in front of the judge and confesses to the extent of her PTSD. Despite her heart wrenching statement and the extensive documentation, the courts still decide to release Charlotte into Alison’s care. Disillusioned by the verdict, the Liars drown their feelings in alcohol.

Lots and lots of alcohol.

When they awaken the next morning, the town’s painted red with a dead body on the grass outside the church that is later identified as Charlotte. Despite the murderous history of Rosewood, everyone simply assumes Alison’s sister committed suicide…after just being set free.

Yeah, because that makes sense...

The Liars go to the funeral, only to see the illustrious Sarah Harvey in attendance. Upon the service’s dismissal, Alison’s past fling, Officer Lorenzo, informs the girls that they shouldn’t leave town. “Why?” you might ask. Because, Charlotte was…murdered!

DUN-DUN-DUN

Yeah, no one’s remotely shocked here.

The decision to time jump was apparently implemented to reinvigorate the series, but if the winter premiere is any indication of this show’s shelf life, then PLL isn’t looking too good.   

REVIEW - "American Horror Story: Hotel"

AHS’s TV teasers are always frighteningly weird and oddly wonderful. They’re essentially works of distressingly beautiful art. This time around with Hotel, it appears showrunners Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk aimed to produce a full 90-minute commercial and decided to slap the label of “episode one” on it. This anthology series is notorious for pushing the envelope, but it seems that the creators threw everything but the kitchen sink into the chaotically paced, aimless premiere.

The plot revolves around Homicide Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley) who finds himself at the center of a series of grisly murders committed by an unknown assailant simply labeled as the Ten Commandments Killer. Asides from him, we’re introduced to a slew of societal misfits all suffering from a variety of addictions. Sarah Palson’s hypodermic Sally, Kathy Bates’ obsessive Iris, Matt Bomer and Lady Gaga’s blood lustful Donovan and the Countess, and so on. Is it an interesting set of characters? Definitely. Their purpose in relationship to the main storyline? Seemingly nothing. And therein lies the rub. The grandiose scenery of the Hotel Cortez is undeniably glorious, but it’s not enough to sustain viewers’ interest when there’s virtually no plot or purpose behind most of the characters.

Everything’s essentially all shot and no powder, in the most disturbing, self-indulgent fashion. American Horror Story is no stranger to disturbing content, and neither are its loyal viewers. Previous seasons gifted us with plenty of nightmare-inducing images, like Asylum’s murderous St. Nick, Freakshow’s killer clown Twisty, and Murder House’s school massacre. What made these scenarios so effectively terrifying was the realistic fear behind the individual stories. Hotel handles its horror factor a bit…differently, to say the absolute least, and it can leave even the most permissive viewers uncomfortable for a variety of reasons.

The erratic storytelling jumps nonsensically from one bloodcurdling scene to the next with no rhyme or reason. We see a woman being pushed out a window at high heights, two female tourists being held captive to be drained of their blood, a creepy guy climbing out a sewn up mattress…for whatever reason, children being abducted, a man’s eyes and tongue being removed, graphic crime scene images including men being strung up by their innards, and a sexual graphic foursome that ends with two participants having their throats slashed open as the other pair drinks their blood.

But AHS makes sure to scar its audience right out of the gate with its most painfully gratuitous display to date when a wildly foppish heroin addict comes strutting through the Hotel Cortez’s lobby. All the man wants is a quiet little place for him to ride out his high, but that plan goes to hell after he shoots up in his recently rented room. He’s attacked by the apparent brother of that eye monster from Pan's Labyrinth, who proceeds to rape the addict with a large drill-bit tipped metallic dildo. As they’d say in Battlestar Galactica, “What the frak?” I’m no prude when it comes to the horror genre, but honestly, the premiere feels like Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk accidentally aired their showcase of sexual fetish snuff film fantasies instead of an actual episode.

As far as the cast is concerned, with the exception of Wes Bentley’s John Lowe, not a single character is the least bit likeable. For anyone curious as to Lady Gaga’s acting chops, just check out her “Telephone” music video. That’s honestly the fullest extent. Her physicality works in her benefit, but whether she has any real emotional range remains to be seen. It’s not until episode two that we get someone truly captivating. Yes, as always, Evan Peters steals the show. This time, in the form of the charming, campy, and utterly psychotic James March, the hotel’s builder and original owner. Despite this bright beacon of hope, the rest of the episode falls flat. As Hotel’s premiere suffers from having virtually no plot, “Chutes And Ladders” fails from having almost nothing but pure exposition. Any creative storyteller knows that it’s always more effective to show rather than tell, so it’s a wonder why Murphy and Falchuk decided to have every plot point discussed verbally by means of literal guidelines and lengthy explanations.

What makes Hotel even more cringe worthy is its blatant lack of originality. You can argue that the show is simply paying homage to other horror projects, but in essence, that’s all the show is. Nothing is organic. The biblically inspired central crime is a rip-off of David Fincher’s Se7en where it’s the Ten Commandments instead of the seven deadly sins. James March’s back story comprises of H.H. Holmes and Sweeny Todd, with the body disposal system and the grisly throat slashing. Countless The Shining references can be spotted everywhere from the creepy children in the halls to a cryptic room number to the similarly shaped patterned carpets. Yes, it’s obvious. And there’s a transparent imitation to 1983’s The Hunger. It’s clear that this season favors style over substance, yet remains unclear as to whether it will ever have an identity of its own. If you dare to place a reservation for Hotel, don’t be surprised if you find yourself checking out prematurely.

American Horror Story: Hotel Rating: D+

"American Horror Story Hotel Teaser" by Source (WP:NFCC#4). Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

REVIEW: "Scream Queens"

The creators of Glee and American Horror Story bring us a twisted horror spoof of bitchy proportions. On the twentieth anniversary of a sorority sister’s death, Wallace University’s campus is plagued by a series of grisly murders by the masked Red Devil. From all the promotional trailers and TV spots, the show played up the tongue-in-cheek self-awareness of the horror genre that made Wes Craven’s Scream so brilliant. Co-creator Ryan Murphy even stated that the series would be Halloween meets Heathers. Given the showrunners’ credentials and the eclectic cast of characters, Scream Queens seemed to have all the ingredients to be something truly special. What we got though…can’t justly be summed up in a mere sentence.

Emma Roberts stars as Chanel Oberlin, the malicious president of everybody’s nightmarish idea of a sorority named Kappa Kappa Tau. She meets her match in Dean Munsch (the original Scream Queen herself, Jamie Lee Curtis). Determined to take down Chanel and her vile sorority, Munsch kills the prized exclusivity of Kappa by allowing anyone to pledge to the sorority. As you’d imagine, every ideal pledge bolts, leaving only the runts of the litter (including a nerdy blogger who enjoys eating candle wax) to endure Hell Week. Just as the hazing begins, so does a string of murders—like an outlandish lawnmower decapitation—by someone dressed as the school’s infamous mascot, the Red Devil.

Despite what its marketing claimed, Scream Queens is not a horror show, but more of a spoof of the genre. Everything is essentially played for laughs; some jokes hitting their marks while others…not so much. Strangely enough, the peculiar layouts of each murder are the funniest the show has to offer. The dialogue, on the other hand, is very hit or miss. It’s overly apparent in the sorority sisters’ pop-culturally fueled monologues that the writers are trying to be snappy and sarcastic, but let’s face it. Try describing sex as being, “Eiffel Towered by two hot morons who are brothers,” or “spit-roasted by hot golf frat twins,” and not feel like you’re trying way, waaaaay too hard. It’s impossible. The members of Kappa Kappa Tau in general aren’t likeable. Everything about the girls, especially Chanel, is mean-spirited, but not in the fabulously-evil Regina George kind of way. If anything, you’re rooting for the Red Devil to go Michael Myers on all of them from the moment they’re introduced.

This week’s episode “Chainsaw” thankfully takes some focus away from the Kappa girls, and it’s a riotous laugh. The brief introduction to the new school mascot, Coney, displays what true spoofs can accomplish. Imagine two school mascots literally fighting to the death as Wham’s “I’m Your Man” plays in the background and try not laughing. As for the main cast, notorious man-whore Chad Radwell and his fraternity brothers steal the show. The best moment of the entire series so far comes from the members of the Dickie Dollar Scholars fraternity.

This dimwitted pack of frat boys, whose combined IQ would be lucky to reach the triple digits, miraculously figures out that their recently deceased brother didn’t commit suicide, but was probably murdered. In an act of retribution, the DDS go “ghetto” by arming themselves with baseball bats as they prowl the streets, attacking anything and everything that’s red from fire hydrants to cars in an attempt to lure out the Red Devil. The absurdity of their plan to face a chainsaw wielding psychopath with nothing but wooden bats is made all the more hysterical by the fact that they’re all dressed in head-to-toe white country club apparel as the Backstreet Boys’ “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” plays in the background. That’s “ghetto code” for ya’. As the lyrics order you to “throw your hands up in the air,” one of the two masked Red Devils that confronts the DDS saws both arms off one of the frat members. In the very next time slot over on FX, The Bastard Executioner delivers the same brutal slaying, but it outright loses its effectiveness in comparison to the cartoonish take on SQ. This scene is easily going to be the best clip of any television series to air this week.

That very fact though is part of the problem. Despite that the show is called Scream Queens, the antics of Chad Radwell, the boys of DDS, and the killer are what makes each episode worth watching. The girls leading the sorority rarely ever deliver the goods. Roberts is essentially playing the same character she portrayed in American Horror Story: Coven and Abigail Breslin seems miscast in the role of a minion sorority sister. Niecy Nash, on the other hand, deserves proper kudos for her caricature role as Denise Hemphill, the world’s most ill-equipped security guard. The overall unevenness of the show makes for a rather jarring viewing experience. It has you itching to hit the fast-forward button during at least half the scenes, yet also provokes you to re-watch the few exceptionally orchestrated scenes that will stay with you long after viewing. It’s still too early to give a verdict on the overall series, but for potential watchers, you’ve been warned.

Scream Queens’ “Chainsaw” Rating: B-

Overall Series Rating: C-   

"Scream Queens, title art" by Source (WP:NFCC#4). Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

REVIEW: "The Big Bang Theory" Season 9 Premiere

The wedding eight years in the making finally happens…and we don’t really get to see it. What?

Season 9 kicks off with “The Matrimonial Momentum” immediately following the events of last spring’s finale. Sheldon reels from Amy asking him for a timeout from their relationship while Leonard and Penny jet off to Vegas to get hitched. Everything goes downhill when Leonard confesses to Penny during their road trip to Sin City that he once drunkenly kissed one of his co-workers during his research venture in the North Sea.

Despite the upsetting revelation, Penny says she forgives Leonard for his transgression, and the pair heads to a random wedding chapel upon arrival. As they wait for their turn to exchange vows, Leonard receives a call from a bitter (and overly melodramatic) Sheldon who’s professing that all women are evil. Penny overhears the conversation, learning of the “Shamy” breakup, and calls Amy to find out if she’s okay. The talk doesn’t go particularly well when Amy asks if Penny can come over to her apartment to console her, forcing her bestie to tell her about the impending wedding. Considering current circumstances, Amy doesn’t take the news lightly, as she was not invited to the wedding.

Having only given Amy eleven hours, or as Sheldon puts it, “The length of the Lords of the Rings trilogy,” to make a decision over the state of their relationship, he corners her in the hallway as she tries to leave her apartment. Amy makes it clear that she still needs more time to think things over, and Sheldon becomes jealous over the fact that she was invited to the Wolowitz’s place to watch Leonard and Penny’s live streaming wedding, while he was not. Amy tells him that the decision wasn’t anything personal; the gang just wanted to avoid an awkward situation by having the two of them in the same room. Despite being blatantly shunned from the event, Sheldon turns up at the house anyway, deciding to watch the nuptials through the front window until someone decides to let him inside. Bernadette finally caves and opens the door as the ceremony commences.

Penny and Leonard share a sweet moment as the two exchange vows, but Sheldon’s bickering over Amy steals everyone’s focus back at the house. Cooper pushes his luck way too far with an insensitive remark, and Amy officially dumps him on the spot. By the time the argument concludes, the remaining people in the room look back at the screen only to realize that the wedding is already over.

The newlyweds head up to their hotel room to consummate their vows, but Penny spoils the mood by bringing up Leonard’s past indiscretion. Things only get worse when Leonard offhandedly mentions that the woman who he drunkenly kissed isn’t just a former colleague, but a present one with whom he sees every day. Penny and Leonard return to their apartment building that very night, parting ways into their own respective living places upon further arguing.

Though it has its fair share of chuckles, this season 9 premiere episode falls flat of viewers’ expectations. Fans waited eight years to see Penny and Leonard finally take that fateful walk down the aisle. ‘See’ being the operative word. And not only are we robbed of watching them say their “I do’s,” the entire runtime serves as nothing but melodrama that leaves us downcast. Given that this is a comedy above anything else, an episode showcasing the primary characters finally getting married shouldn’t make us frown more than smile.

Credit goes out to guest star Laurie Metcalf for her always hilarious appearance as Sheldon’s stanchly religious mother. As for the rest of the cast, everyone does their best with the material provided, but said material is that bland that not even Raj’s adorable accent can save it.

One’s wedding should be the happiest day of his/her life, and Penny makes it especially clear that this is not that day when Leonard and she are still in the car. Leonard has always been the loyal, honest boyfriend that Penny never had before, and that’s what she loves about him. Given this loss of trust in him that Penny unmistakably displays, what would possess her to go through with marrying him at this point? Time may heal all wounds, but getting married when your significant other just cut you is beyond ridiculous. And what is up with Penny’s hair? Anybody else notice that the front suddenly looks kind of gray? Who dyed it that color? Also, when did Stuart become a total creeper? Sure, he’s lonely, depressed, pessimistic, and completely down on his luck. He’s like the human equivalent of Eeyore. That’s why we love him, strangely enough. In “The Matrimonial Momentum” though, he suddenly tries embodying a younger Howard by making creepy advances on the newly single Amy. Yes, the level of discomfort is funny, but it’s completely out of character no less. Overall, The Big Bang Theory misses its mark, giving us a Big Thud instead.

Big Bang Theory: “The Matrimonial Momentum” Rating - C

REVIEW: FX’s "The Bastard Executioner"

Right off the tail end of Sons of Anarchy’s series finale, showrunner Kurt Sutter wastes no time taking control of the conn in his next FX project where carnage, swordplay, nudity, and revenge rule the screen with 14^th century Wales serving as the backdrop. Considering the man made murderous, gunrunning bikers likable–if not lovable, the tale of a wronged knight set out on a mission of rightful vengeance has all the ingredients to become an instant winner.

So why am I not impressed?

Though the late biker series gives Sutter undeniable clout to do as he pleases, Sons’  legacy casts a large shadow on anything the show’s creator would tackle thereafter–especially on his very next project. SOA can easily be called a 21^st century classic, with its Shakespearean undertones, rich dialogue, dark storylines, an amazing, ensemble cast of character actors, and a magnetizing lead. Sutter seems to have abandoned this dynamite formula though for every cliché found in similarly toned projects. 

The Bastard Executioner centers on former knight Wilkin Brattle (played by newcomer Lee Jones) who has chosen to live quietly with his wife in the farmlands of Wales after being emotionally and physically scarred by the horrors of war. Forced into fighting in local rebellions against the hypersensitive Baron Ventris, Wilkin and his gang of bandits become public enemies. As a result, tragedy strikes, forcing Wilkin to assume the identity of a slain traveling executioner to exact his revenge against the men who wronged him.

That single paragraph sums up the entirety of the full two-hour pilot episode. Sound a bit padded for its runtime? That’s because it is. Not until the last fifteen minutes or so does the show finally grab your attention. The rest seems to be a test on our patience and ability to digest overused tropes. Giving the creative nature of Sons, it’s easy to get one’s hopes high before viewing Bastard. We expect those tropes to be twisted and turned over on their heads into something that we’ve never seen before. We expect brilliant characters that we immediately take a liking to, whether they be hero or villain. We expect the show’s execution to match the creator’s reputation.

And we get…none of that. 

For anyone remotely familiar to this genre, you’ll predict every single event at least two steps before it unfolds on screen. The story borrows all too by and large from Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood and Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. Newcomer Lee Jones has all the physical attributes to be a leading man, but his performance doesn’t evoke the same poignancy as Charlie Hunnam previously did. The rest of the cast isn’t particularly memorable either with the exception of Katey Sagal and Stephen Moyer who appear to be playing caricatures of their characters, and there’s virtually no levity in the script to uplift the constant grim atmosphere. Most disappointing of all is the key lack of character development. No matter how gritty and stylized the show may be, nothing substitutes character. Similar shows like Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth and Michael Hirst’s Vikings established themselves from the get-go with authenticity and well-crafted characters, making their stories worth devouring. Despite high hopes, Bastard’s premiere episode sadly reads as nothing more than an uninventive knockoff.

RATING: C –

Fear the Walking Dead: “Pilot” Recap & Review

Unable to resist the homage to its big brother’s iconic opening, this series kicks off with 19-year-old junkie, Nick Clark awakening from a stupor inside the dwellings of an old, abandoned church-turned-drug-den. Groggily ambling about in search of his friend, Gloria, Nick calls out to her with no response. Making his way downstairs to the sanctuary, he immediately realizes there’s something wrong. Distant screams echo through the corridors and masses of blood soak the stairway railings. Fear seizes the youth as he comes across more and more mutilated bodies splayed throughout the downstairs before finally finding Gloria enjoying a fleshy snack behind one of the church pews. Donning the iconic Walker Eyes, the girl rises to greet Nick in the most horrifying way. The boy races from the scene, and we get a glimpse of downtown Los Angeles as Nick hysterically runs out into traffic, only to get hit by a car.

Following this white-knuckle opener, things come to a crashing halt as we’re introduced to the other main characters across town. Nick’s dysfunctional family greets the morning with plenty of melodrama to go around. Smarty-arty sister, Alicia, exhibits a perpetual scowl as her high school guidance counselor of a mother (Kim Dickens) flirtatiously canoodles with live-in boyfriend, Travis (Cliff Curtis) before the family gets the news of Nick’s accident.

Believing to be out of his mind, Nick refuses to cooperate with the police as they interrogate him from his hospital bed over the ravings he made earlier about all the blood and viscera he’d seen. Given Nick’s long history of substance abuse, everyone assumes the young man hallucinated the whole thing, including his family as they arrive at the hospital.

Later at school, more evidence of the impending apocalypse comes forth as Nick and Alicia’s mom, Maddie, makes mention to the low number of children attending. Apparently, a mysterious “flu” runs rampant throughout the U.S., but everyone seems to turn a blind eye to the potential threat. Maddie confiscates a knife from a paranoid teen, demanding to know why he felt the need to bring it. Instead of taking solace in the counselor with who he seems to have a good rapport, the teen simply makes an ominous mention of everyone’s imminent doom, leaving the conversation completely void of any useful details. Gee, thanks a pantload, kid.

Travis decides to check out the ramshackle church Nick ran from earlier, seeing the same blood and viscera…minus the bodies. Instead of calling the police (like a smart person would), Travis tells Maddie about his discovery. In all absurdity, Maddie brushes off the murderous rampage as nothing more than typical druggie behavior. When Nick’s roommate at the hospital dies, he uses the distraction to escape, forcing Travis and Maddie to go out and find him.

Chaos around the city continues to rise as more and more people go missing, including Alicia’s boyfriend. A police shootout is captured on film of 5-O trying to take down a Walker, which gets leaked over the internet. Again, everyone assumes the video is just a hoax. Meanwhile, Nick meets up with an old friend, Calvin, at a local coffee shop. This supposed clean-and-sober pal has actually been selling Nick and others drugs for quite some time, and Nick begs him for some dope so that he can forget about what happened at the church. Afraid that Nick ratted to the police about him, Calvin promises to supply Nick with the drugs and drives him out to the L.A. River with the intent to kill him. The plan backfires though when Nick becomes wise to the plan. The two struggle to gain possession of Calvin’s gun before Nick shoots in self-defense. Maddie and Travis meet up with Nick, coming across Calvin’s re-animated corpse. When Maddie and Travis refuse to believe that he’s actually a zombie, but merely hurt, they confront Calvin. The Walker attacks the pair before Nick repeatedly plows over Calvin with Travis’s truck.   

When weighing this spin-off series to the visceral nature of its predecessor, the pilot episode of “Fear the Walking Dead” is undoubtedly underwhelming. Does that make it bad? Not exactly. It’s simply rocking a different tempo, more akin to True Detective’s slow-burn approach. The downside to this style change might deter some TWD fans though who are looking for a more exhilarating ride from start to finish. Let’s face it, the series premiere to The Walking Dead was far more memorable and compelling. And with viewers’ knowledge of what this future world of Walkers will look like and the rules necessary to survive in it, Fear runs the potentially fatal risk of being repetitive. Plus, the “everyman” status of all the main players who are clearly not connected to the initial cause of the Walkers will make it harder for fans to get the true origin story. Plenty of television series and films gloss over the beginning stages of contagion for a reason. Audiences generally hunger for nail biting intensity woven into the infection plot, and it’s hard to balance that entertainingly with the contemporary setting and characters still living seemingly normal, mundane lives. 

One show that nailed this patient zero-outbreak plot with brilliant execution would be FX’s The Strain. Mixing the stories of everyday civilians with the group of doctors who are up close and personal to the vampiric infection running rampant, the series shows the slow unraveling of society along with the brilliant mystery behind the epidemic with continuously solid, scary, well-paced episodes. Though it’s too early to judge Fear the Walking Dead on its overall value, the pilot clearly lacks this desired effect. Plus, several red flags already wave even with just one episode aired. If Walkers are already out and about, then why hasn’t anyone really seen them with the exception of one video? Did they all just run…or, um, walk into hiding? It’s pretty safe to say that the Walkers don’t really care about displaying showmanship to scare folks at the opportune moment, so the fact that the general population hasn’t seen any of them in this age of technology is clearly just convenience for the writers. Plus, everyone seems abundantly dimwitted as to what’s happening around them with the exception of Nick, the freaking drug addict! In times of survival, if the junkie seems like the most capable out the bunch, it’s about time you find yourself a new group to roll with.

 Fear the Walking Dead: “Pilot” Rating - C

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Scream: The TV Series – Bloody Good, or Bloody Waste of Time?

Out with the melodrama, and in with the bloodbath. After some rather lackluster, teen soap-opera episodes, Scream: The TV Series at last ups its game in the second half of its season. Though chills and thrills may come in abundance, the storyline still falters from some overall pacing issues, but nothing nearly as cringe worthy as earlier episodes. The scares satisfy, the deaths (though oddly fewer than expected) deliver in brutal fashion, and the mystery is compelling in its own right. With that being said, the parallels one can draw to it and its obvious source material, Harper’s Island, are still too numerous to mention. That spat (though a rather large one) aside, the show does accomplish what it set out to, despite its rocky start. 

Now, time for some good old-fashioned analyzing. 

Two for the Price of One 

Though serial killer couplings are more of a rarity in reality, having two people working together in a murderous bloodbath is relatively common in film and television, especially in the whodunit category of the horror genre. Given that the other killer can perform alone, this pairings tactic provides alibis for each potential suspect for at least one killing, stumping the audience as to who’s really behind the acts. Plus, considering that three out of the four Scream films used this ploy, as did Harper’s Island, it’s all the more fair to assume that we should be looking for two killers versus one. So, who are our prime suspects? Let’s break it down. 

Noah Foster: Labeled as the “Randy” in the small screen adaptation, this slasher film efficiendo is not only very tech-savvy, but also an enthusiast of mass murderer, Brandon James. Deadly combo right there. 

Jake Fitzgerald: Revealed as a total creeper, this arrogant jock was spying on Nina Patterson via web cam all the way up to her violent murder and was also blackmailing the mayor with stolen security footage as well. If this doesn’t establish this guy’s lack of morals and empathy, I’m not sure what does. And let’s not forget that he recently managed to miraculously survive when the killer brutally stabbed him in the chest, that just so happened to miss all his organs. How very convenient… 

Kieran Wilcox: Sure, the guy has the face of a devilish angel, but who can ignore the fact that this steely-eyed bad boy just so happened to stroll into town when the murders began? The son of Lakewood’s sheriff, Kieran enters the picture after both his mom and stepdad were killed in a car accident. Was a car involved? Most likely. Was it an accident? That remains to be seen. Not much is known about him asides from his deep interest in gothic literature and that he has a rough relationship with his father. After making it a point to zero in on our protagonist, Emma, he’s managed to seduce her with his enigmatic charm with relative ease, despite her mixed emotions after her bitter breakup from Will. Then in the one instant when Emma returns her affections to Will when he nearly dies, Emma’s ex has another sudden brush with death…which ends with him being sawed in half, right down the middle. Yeesh… Could jealousy be another one of Ghostface’s evil attributes? 

These three definitely have some questionable circumstances surrounding them, but let’s be honest. Two people in particular stand out amongst the rest. 

Prime Suspect #1: Audrey Jensen – Having lost her former best friend, Emma, to Nina Patterson’s high-status clique, she’s found herself as the subject of ridicule by fellow classmates. After Nina sends out a video of Audrey making out with another girl to everyone in town, causing it to go viral, Nina gets sliced and diced by her poolside. Just as the late Nina made Audrey an internet sensation, Ghostface returns the favor by releasing a GIF to everyone of the killer taking a selfie with Nina’s dead body. Then, only later when Emma confesses to Audrey for being a part of the video prank does Ghostface start harassing her, leading to the leaked video of Will deflowering Emma. An eye for an eye, perhaps? 

Audrey’s DNA was also found inside one of the Ghostface masks from the abandoned hospital containing the killer’s lair. And we’ve seen this artsy student’s murderous temper on the video that Emma and Noah discover when Audrey is taken into police custody. The only reason she’s released is because Emma made up a false alibi for her out of guilt. Audrey also admits to having used the Ghostface’s voice changer for one of Rachel’s movies, and she keeps a secret photo of Brandon James amongst her possessions. This circumstantial evidence seems suspicious enough, but one thing is damning above all. Ghostface boldly takes credit for each of his/her kills, with the exception of Rachel Murray, Audrey’s make-out partner from the viral video. The killer goes through the effort of making Rachel’s death look like a suicide. Why? When a highly publicized serial killer makes it abundantly clear that he/she enjoys the notoriety, wouldn’t said person want to take credit for killing Rachel? Nothing about Rachel, asides from her relationship to Audrey, connects her to the rest of the victims. She didn’t even live in Lakewood. The only reason she danced the Gallow’s Jig seems to be because of something she may have known about Audrey that could implicate the rebellious teen later. 

Prime Suspect #2: Piper Shaw – Anyone with a keen eye can figure out that there’s something extremely shady about this intelligent crime podcaster. The girl comes face-to-face with Ghostface, and only walks away with a minor head bump while Will is stabbed and dragged away. She also uses her injury later to excuse herself from the abandoned bowling alley just before some major smack goes down. When introduced in the second episode, Piper mentions to Emma that her father was murdered before she could remember. In episode 8, we find out that Emma’s mother was pregnant with Brandon James’s child after he was killed by police following the massacre. Maggie gave up the child for adoption, leaving said individual to be about twenty or twenty-one years of age in 2015. Can you guess how old Piper is? Yep. And who could ignore the showrunners’ attempt to dress down the gorgeous Amelia Rose Blaire with those ridiculously nerdy glasses? This purposely executed persona of demure and sweet immediately sends up red flags.

But what would Piper’s motives be? Well, that’s where some theorizing comes in. Even Maggie (Emma’s mother) believes to this day that Brandon James was innocent for the massacre in the mid-90s. If true, then who is the original killer? Taking a page out of the first Scream movie, it could be the soul ‘survivor’ of the attacks, Emma’s father. He was obviously furious about Maggie’s relationship with Brandon, and even left his wife and daughter years later when he discovered that Maggie had given birth to Brandon’s child. If Piper is in fact Brandon James’s daughter, then coming to Lakewood to start a similar bloodbath might spur her father’s murderer to return to town…as he later does. Ghostface makes numerous mentions to Emma that her entire family is a lie. Well, if Emma’s mother really loved Brandon, but later unwittingly married the man responsible for his death and sullied legacy, it would definitely make Emma’s family a sham. 

So, who do you guys think is behind the mask? Let us know. 

Scream: The TV Series – B-/C+