Pretty Little Liars: "We've All Got Baggage" Recap & Review

Wedding bells and murder weapons. Ah, yes. What else would you expect from the town of Rosewood? As always, the Liars have their plates full, with Emily's eggs being stolen from a fertility clinic, Spencer’s mother coming clean about her cancer, Ezra returning with his newly written book that Aria ghostwrote in his absence, and Hanna finding herself unemployed. You know, the usual.

When a wave of dirty politics hits the Hastings’ Senate campaign, Caleb takes the fall for Spencer after a secret someone uses her IP address to send out damaging reports. Spencer’s mother fires Caleb after he falsely confesses and he is consequently kicked out of the barn. That seems okay with him, because he’s more preoccupied with the suspicion surrounding Spencer’s sister. After all, Melissa’s broken suitcase could be the murder weapon in Charlotte’s death. Plus, Hanna conveniently remembers an absurdly unforgettable run-in with Spencer’s sister back in New York. It's funny how something like this would slip her mind...until the perfect time to label Melissa as the next red herring.

Emily meets a friendly face while ordering textbooks at Hollis, only to later find out that he’s an undercover reporter. With this knowledge, she turns the tables and weasels information out of him, discovering that Melissa returned early from London and therefore could have made the infamous call to the DeLaurentis house on the night of Charlotte’s murder. Emily heads out to the diner where the landline originated in search of more answers, only to find the parking lot and building empty. A monster pickup truck then begins threatening her, repeatedly barreling down on the young woman as she tries not to get made into a crushed hood ornament. Emily conveniently takes shelter on top of a large metal storage container after the truck manages to run over her cell. While up there, Emily just so happens to come across a long metal rod that looks suspiciously like the murder weapon!

But of course, she drops it, allowing the chaotic truck driver to reclaim the piece. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Montgomery asks his daughter to be the wedding officiant for his and Ella’s impending nuptials as Hanna finds temporary work acting as Ella’s stylist. The wedding goes off without a hitch, but all isn’t well for Aria. Obviously, to up the melodrama, Liam assumes the worst in regard as to why Aria wants to stay in Rosewood. Apparently, it never ever came up that she previously dated the literary darling of her publishing house. So when Fitz accidently drops the histrionic bomb to her new beau over lunch, it racks Aria with unnecessary guilt later on as she officiates her parents’ second walk down the aisle. Then, of course, Liam comes to the wedding, and the two quickly make up over the ridiculous quarrel. The reunion seems sweet until a couple of unexpected visitors show up on Aria’s doorstep following the ceremony. Since Aria’s now officiated, Alison and Elliot come to her, insisting that she marry the pair right then and there. And by the look on Aria’s face, she’s not particularly comfortable with the idea. 

PLL these days is pretty hit or miss. Sure, the series has descended to more of a soap-opera level that forces you to suspend all disbelief at the door, but it can be fun in a campy sort of way. When it’s not so much fun though, it’s really just pure melodrama without payoff. In addition, the transition from past to present in the five year time jump is still rough. The Liars themselves blossomed nicely into their future versions, but the same cannot be said about the supporting players. One in particular: Caleb Rivers. Remember the days when he was the rugged, rough-around-the-edges bad boy?

Yeah, those really are just memories now, because there’s not a single fleck of that guy left. Now, Caleb looks like a polished country club hipster, sporting polos and bright colors. Seriously, what happened to the leather jackets and devil-may-care attitude? He’s now another stuffed shirt in a line of replaceable cookie cutter men. And even after all these weeks, we still have no clue as to what the heck happened between Spencer and Toby. There’s unmistakable hostility on his end, and the destruction of their relationship might help us feel better about the sudden ship between Spencer and Caleb. Answers, PLL. We need answers.   

Episode Rating: C

     

Movie Review: DEADPOOL

Based upon Marvel Comics’ most iconic anti-hero, Deadpool is the origin story of former Special Forces operative turned mercenary Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds). After nearly being killed in an off-the-books experiment by rogue scientist Ajax (Ed Skrein), Wilson’s left disfigured but gifted with accelerated healing powers. Upon adopting the alter ego Deadpool, the wisecracking “Merc with a Mouth” hunts down the man who destroyed his life.

As all moviegoers know, January is the worst month when it comes to film releases. And sadly, February rarely looks much better. Given this month in history also housed the releases of disastrous superhero adaptations such as 2003’s Daredevil and 2007’s Ghost Rider, it hardly instills confidence in audience members. Compound that with the fact that Ryan Reynolds has become a battle-scarred veteran of failed comic book adaptations (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Green Lantern, and Blade: Trinity) and that Deadpool is Tim Miller’s feature-length directorial debut, walking into the theater with high hopes seems inevitably futile. So, is the fourth time really the charm for Reynolds?

In the most rewarding surprise of the year, the Merc with a Mouth blows expectations out of the water with gratuitous violence, vulgar humor, and bloody satisfaction. Comic book origin stories tend to start slow due to character development, as seen in fellow Marvel movies like Captain America: The First Avenger. Breaking not only the fourth wall, but all the rules, Deadpool cleverly avoids this pitfall by way of nonlinear storytelling, jumping back and forth between past and present events.

Ryan Reynolds is no stranger to comedy, considering most of his successful early work was in this very genre, and his timing, crass, and delivery couldn’t be more on point than right here, made all the more riotous when coupled with the hilarious T.J. Miller. Not only is the acting superb, but the writing is gloriously raunchy. This isn’t a soft R-rating by any stretch of the imagination. It knows it’s pushing the boundaries, and plows through them unapologetically. Adding to the first-rate roster is director Tim Miller. Yes, this may be his first full-length feature, but this is no amateur at the helm. With previous visual effects experience on both X-Men and X2: X-Men United and stunning directorial work showcased in David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’s title sequence, it’s impossible to deny that the man has raw talent and an eye for stylized imagery.

Due to its gratuitous nature, Deadpool may not everyone’s cup of tea, particularly for younger audiences. The film’s numerous trailers give you an accurate idea of just what kind of experience you’re in for. So if you’re one of the many who reveled in the sneak peeks, you’re guaranteed to love this rip-roaring comic book adaptation. In fact, it just might leave you giddy upon exiting the theater.

At last, we can wash out the horrible taste from our mouths with FOX’s previous attempt.

Yeesh…

And we can now revel in the foul-mouthed glory that is this…

Deadpool is undeniably the best laugh and action-pleaser seen this year.

5 out of 5 Stars

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Movie Review: "13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi"

Michael Bay’s “13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi” tells the harrowing true story surrounding the Islamic militant attacks placed against the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya on September 11, 2012. At the time of the coordinated assault, the city has been deemed as one of the most dangerous places on Earth. As a result, all countries, with the exception of the United States, evacuate their embassies in the region owing to the threat of militant attacks. An off the books U.S. consulate, called the Annex, also remains, protected by a team of six former military members turned CIA security contractors.

U.S. Ambassador to Libya J. Christopher Stevens arrives in Benghazi with the hopes of reassuring peace in the city by holding a press conference. With an understaffed protection detail and local pro-American militia safeguarding the Ambassador, the Annex team, stationed only a mile from the Consulate, is brought in as Stevens’ drivers and backup security. On the morning of the September 11^th anniversary, suspicious behavior is spotted outside the compound. Come nightfall, a group of Islamic militants overrun the Consulate, forcing the guards to take Stevens and United States IT personnel Sean Smith into a safe room.

Overwhelmed as the radicals set the building ablaze, the security detail radios the Annex team in desperation for them to come to the rescue. Locked and loaded, the contractors (James Badge Dale, John Krasinski, Dominic Fumusa, Max Martini, David Denman, and Pablo Schreiber) await the order, but ultimately hit a wall when their chief rejects the petition out of fear of redirecting the militants to attack the CIA Annex. Defying the demand to stand down, the outnumbered contractors bravely dispatch to the Consulate in hopes of rescuing their fellow countrymen.

After the melodramatic disaster that was Pearl Harbor, having Michael Bay at the helm of another real life war film should only inspire eye rolls and aggravated moans. His movies are notorious for their overindulgence of unnecessary detonations, pyrotechnic explosions, shaky-cam, and style-over-substance storytelling. Film buffs have even scathingly deemed these gratuitous trademarks as “Michael Bay-isms”. With powerful, modern-day war films like American Sniper, Lone Survivor, and Zero Dark Thirty placed in the hands of critically acclaimed directors, Bay’s undertaking only seems all the more problematic. In truth, it’s cringe-worthy, and you haven’t even taken a seat in the theater.

On the surface, “13 Hours” seems to play into all the archetypes seen in virtually every other American war film, right up to the pregnant wife at home. Given that this is based on the book of the same title by Mitchell Zuckoff and the actual Annex Security Team, it throws into sharp relief that these instances are in fact reality for our servicemen. What the film notably strays from, for better or for worse (depending on the viewer), is outright endorsing any political affiliations. It focuses solely on the intrepid ex-military men who combated wave after wave of militia fire. The runtime leading up to the attack does lag in some scenes, but once the going gets tough, the pacing is positively breathless. The acting is superb, the fights are well choreographed, and even Bay manages to impress, proving he’s far more capable guiding actors than CGI robots. Some might not appreciate certain filming choices, particularly his use of shaky-cam. Thankfully, the techniques are still tolerable, and in some ways, they add to the grit of the narrative. It’s easily Bay’s best movie since 1996’s The Rock, and it’s elevated by a soaring score by renowned composer Hans Zimmer.

The film does comes out at a time when its subject matter is at the height of political controversy, but its likeliness to sway the public’s opinion one way or the other isn’t too great. What “13 Hours” does achieve is stirring our appreciation for the servicemen and women who brave these battles against impossible odds.

4.5 out of 5 Stars

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Shadowhunters Review: Demons, and Angels, and Hotties, Oh My!

Adapted from Cassandra Clare’s worldwide best selling The Mortal Instruments book series comes FREEFORM’s attempt to cash in on the young adult fantasy craze with “Shadowhunters”. The story revolves around Clary Fray (Katherine McNamara), a New York City artist, who on her 18th birthday discovers the underbelly of an impossible world where vampires, werewolves, demons, and angelic hybrids all exist amongst humans.

As it turns out, Clary’s run-of-the-mill mother, Jocelyn has been hiding her daughter from the past and the magical properties that come with said knowledge. Jocelyn was once a Shadowhunter, a member of an elite order of guardians who slay demons and protect mankind. After Clary quite literally runs into Jace (Dominic Sherwood), a gorgeous demon-hunting bad boy, she notices he’s quite taken aback when she confronts him.

“You have the sight,” he mutters.

Little does Clary know that this chance encounter results in a domino effect that forever changes her life.

The Mortal Instruments is a sprawling urban fantasy world that rivals Harry Potter with its vast creature count, complex mythology, and universal laws. Shadowhunters are Nephilim offspring, which means they are of both human and angel decent. This dwindling race eradicates demons using powers granted to them by etching runes into their skin and weapons with Steles.

Confused?

Well, runes are magical symbols that give Shadowhunters abilities of all sorts, from speed to invisibility, and a stele is simply a blade made of the heavenly metal adamas used to draw them onto objects/flesh.

And apparently, us muggles, or “mundanes” as we’re referred to here, shouldn’t be able to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders. They’re invisible to the human eye. Now, “What’s a Downworlder?” you ask. It’s pretty much every other class of creature that doesn’t possess angelic blood. Vampires, werewolves, warlocks, witches, faeries, you name it. Then there's the rogue Shadowhunter, Valentine Morgenstern, who kidnaps Clary’s mother in his quest to recover the Mortal Cup, one of the three divine items given by the patron angel Raziel to Jonathan Shadowhunter, the first Nephilim. The Cup possesses magical transformative properties that can turn mundanes (humans) into Shadowhunters, just by drinking from the goblet. Plus, Shadowhunters also save on time and transportation fees by using various portals, five-dimensional doors that can rapidly transport them all over the world.

And the complexity doesn’t stop there, by any means, but you get the picture.

Even over the course of a 585 page book, the introduction to this series, City of Bones, is a lot to digest for a reader. For a television viewer, the story is painfully convoluted when the creator crams half that material right into the 42-minute pilot episode. Fans took issue over the rushed world building in the 2013 silver screen adaptation The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, yet Ed Decter doubled down on the critique when creating “Shadowhunters”.

Setting aside the problem of pacing, plenty of other issues plague this TV newcomer. MTV’s new fantasy series The Shannara Chronicles delivers the goods on the CGI front, only emphasizing how weak the special effects are for “Shadowhunters”. The overall production lacks value. Despite Mortal Instruments: City of Bones not being a perfect movie, the film still nailed the aesthetic of the novel, especially the majestic gothic architecture of the New York Institute. In “Shadowhunters”, we’re introduced to some strange high-tech police department instead. Plus, the choreography isn’t filmed well. The weapons look like toy lightsabers. There’s a blatant lack of chemistry between the two leads. The majority of the acting is subpar at best, excluding the delightful Alberto Rosende. And the script generally falls flat, even becoming cringe-inducing at some points with its clunking and cheesy dialogue. Even the gorgeous faces and six-pack abs can't mask the flaws.

What made the book series so special was not just the elaborate world, but the character complexities that drove each person. In “Shadowhunters”, everyone’s been whitewashed to clichés and stereotypes. For an avid reader and massive Cassandra Clare fan (such as myself), you most likely won’t appreciate this rendition. As for a newcomer to the intricate world of The Mortal Instruments, this televised version will most likely leave you scratching your head in confusion due to the inexhaustible information dump during the first two episodes. Is it possible that the Shadowhunting realm should remain only in print? For now, the odds sadly lean heavily in favor of yes.

Pretty Little Liars: "Of Late I Think of Rosewood" Recap & Review

Tuesday launched FREEFORM, the new name for ABC Family, with the Winter Premiere for PLL.

Summer’s finale hinted at the impending danger awaiting the Liars upon their return to the infamous town of Rosewood five years after “A”’s reveal. Hanna’s taking the fashion world by storm in New York, Spencer’s political aspirations have taken her to D.C., Aria’s pursuing her artistic passions in Los Angeles, and Emily seems to have lost her way in sunny California. And…that’s about it. For anyone who caught the Thanksgiving special back in November, none of this is news.

And this snooze-fest of exposition isn’t the only pain that will have to be endured. After investing years of interest in the show’s beloved couplings, everything has gone up in smoke upon this winter’s return.

Hanna’s engaged…to someone who isn’t Caleb.

Spoby is no more.

Emily didn’t rekindle her relationship with Paige, even though they both wound up on the west coast.

And the forbidden romance between Aria and Ezra is nothing but a distant memory.

Anywho…

After extensive rehabilitation, the courts believe that Charlotte, a.k.a “A,” may be ready to be reintroduced into society. Given how broken her home life has become, Charlotte is the only real family Alison has left. To ensure Charlotte’s best chances to be freed, a hopeful Ali begs her old friends to put in a good word. Time may heal all wounds, but half a decade still isn’t enough for Hanna, Emily, Aria, and Spencer to be overly forgiving. Old habits die hard though as they eventually (and nonsensically) cave into Alison's request by speaking up on Charlotte’s behalf. They tell the courts that they are no longer afraid of “A”, despite the fact that she tried killing them all on more than one occasion.

Everyone flat-out lies…except Aria, who breaks down in front of the judge and confesses to the extent of her PTSD. Despite her heart wrenching statement and the extensive documentation, the courts still decide to release Charlotte into Alison’s care. Disillusioned by the verdict, the Liars drown their feelings in alcohol.

Lots and lots of alcohol.

When they awaken the next morning, the town’s painted red with a dead body on the grass outside the church that is later identified as Charlotte. Despite the murderous history of Rosewood, everyone simply assumes Alison’s sister committed suicide…after just being set free.

Yeah, because that makes sense...

The Liars go to the funeral, only to see the illustrious Sarah Harvey in attendance. Upon the service’s dismissal, Alison’s past fling, Officer Lorenzo, informs the girls that they shouldn’t leave town. “Why?” you might ask. Because, Charlotte was…murdered!

DUN-DUN-DUN

Yeah, no one’s remotely shocked here.

The decision to time jump was apparently implemented to reinvigorate the series, but if the winter premiere is any indication of this show’s shelf life, then PLL isn’t looking too good.   

Under the Radar Films: Movies For the Heart

The holidays are upon us, and just like the youth of America, our favorite TV shows are on Winter Break. So what’s a person to do for some fresh viewing pleasure? We have Redbox, Netflix, and movie channels to keep us occupied, but what’s really new to watch? HBO and Starz continue playing the same hit movies over and over again. Redbox is chockfull of all the summer blockbusters that we already enjoyed on the silver screen. And Netflix keeps giving us the same recommendations, even if we’ve already watched them. We’ve all seen the classics and all the new releases, and it makes us question if there’s anything left to watch that’s worthwhile. With the convolution of the film industry, it’s a matter of mathematical certainty that good movies fall through the cracks, never getting the proper recognition they rightfully deserve. That’s why this month I’ll be unveiling some great under-the-radar films from every genre, to give you cinephiles some sweet gems to enjoy during your holidays. To kick things off, I’ll start with a few heart-warmers.

First up:

What If  (a.k.a The F-Word) (2013)

Having discovered that his girlfriend cheated on him with his Anatomy teacher, Wallace (Daniel Radcliffe) decides to drop out of medical school and inevitably moves into the attic of his single-mom sister’s house. Down on his luck and having lived the past year in social seclusion, he finally resurfaces after his best friend Allan (Adam Driver) forces him into attending a party where Wallace meets the utterly adorable Chantry (Zoe Kazan). He quickly becomes smitten by the animator as the pair shares a wisecracking evening, only then to learn at the end of the night that she already has a boyfriend. Wallace genuinely likes Chantry as a person, and he soon finds himself in the most miserable place known to mankind: the friend-zone.

With a delightfully witty script by Elan Mastai and a perfectly casted set of actors, What If is essentially the modern-day When Harry Met Sally, begging the age-old question: Can a man and woman REALLY be just friends? Radcliffe and Kazan share wonderful chemistry and the forever scene-stealing Adam Driver delivers the perfect balance of dry humor and slapstick as cleverly crafted dialogue flows effortlessly from start to finish. Director Michael Dowse gives us a sophisticated take on the romantic comedy, riffing perfectly between the lighthearted conventions of the genre as well as the deeper examination of real relationships. What If is an irresistible charmer for sure.

Perfect for fans of: When Harry Met Sally and Definitely Maybe.

Ruby Sparks (2012)

With a world-renown debut novel looming overhead, young author Calvin (Paul Dano) suffers from a severe case of writer’s block as he struggles to recreate his earlier success. Crippled by this fear, he turns to his therapist (Elliot Gould) who gives Calvin a one-page assignment to write in an attempt to get him out of his funk. To his complete and utter surprise, the project works, inspiring Calvin’s fictitious muse, Ruby Sparks. Situated at an old typewriter, Calvin begins writing his new story and subsequently falls in love with his character. He then wakes one morning to find Ruby (Zoe Kazan) actually in his apartment. Initially believing he’s hallucinating, he soon discovers that the feisty redhead is in fact REAL, and that his imagination somehow invented her. Everything that Calvin writes about Ruby comes true. And with great power comes great responsibility…

The idea of Ruby Sparks can easily turn into a by-the-books raunchy comedy, but screenwriter Zoe Kazan (who also plays the title character) elevates the premise into being something quite fantastical and heartfelt. On the surface, it’s a comedy-drama, but the exploration of real life relationships in the guise of fantasy makes Ruby Sparks a very unique viewing experience. And the film’s whimsy finds itself in perfect hands with co-directors Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton (Little Miss Sunshine). Ruby Sparks is quirky, funny, insightful, and deeply satisfying, made all the more absolute by real life and on-screen couple Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan.

Perfect for fans of: Stranger Than Fiction and Midnight in Paris.

Kinky Boots (2006)

After the death of his father, reluctant young marketer Charlie (Joel Edgerton) desperately searches for a niche market to save his family’s failing shoe factory. A chance encounter crosses his paths with a sassy drag queen named Lola (Chiwetel Ejiofor), and the two strangers form an unlikely partnership. Despite the profound skepticism from the employees, Charlie and Lola reinvent the straitlaced company by custom designing sexy fetish heels for drag queens.

The concept of a business resorting to outside-of-the-box strategies to save itself isn’t exactly new, and it’s hardly a stranger to comedy either. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story is a prime example. What makes Kinky Boots so watchable isn’t its groundbreaking formula. It rests solely in its touching message and superb cast. There’s a standard nowadays when drag queens are put to film. They’re either pre-surgery transgender or flamboyantly gay to the point of being an offensive parody, but almost never as actual human beings. They’re usually caricatures. Chiwetel Ejiofor’s portrayal of Lola though dives into this unobserved world by peeking behind the curtain and seeing the real person.

Lola isn’t just a sassy singer with a fierce strut and perfectly manicured nails. She’s a fighter. Being a drag queen is a great way to expression yourself, but it also opens the door for ridicule and harassment from the close-minded. The way Lola handles herself shows just how much heart she really has, while also presenting the vulnerability underneath. As Lola says in the film: “Put me in heels and I can sing ‘Stand By Your Man’ to a crowd of strangers. Put me in jeans and I can't even bloody well say hello.” Seeing the layers peel away is quite heartwarming, and so fantastically unique that you can’t help but fall for Lola. Major kudos goes out to Chiwetel Ejiofor for his performance. This role showcases just how versatile this incredible actor truly is, and that’s why it’s so disappointing that this film flew under the radar from the general public despite him snatching a Golden Globe nomination for the role. His Oscar-nominated performance as the lead in 12 Years a Slave thankfully gave him the recognition he so longly deserved, letting him finally become a household name. Kinky Boots follows in the step of plenty of other delightful British comedy-dramas, but Ejiofor’s take on this fish-out-of-water tale makes it a cut above the rest.  

Perfect for fans of: The Full Monty and Calendar Gils.

Stay tuned for some more great underrated films… 

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"Kinky Boots (movie poster)". Via Wikipedia.

REVIEW: "Crimson Peak"

At the turn of the 20^th century in Buffalo, New York, young aspiring writer Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska) meets the dashingly mysterious inventor Sir Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston), who has come aboard to pitch a business proposal to Edith’s father (Jim Beaver). When tragedy strikes, the forward-thinking Ms. Cushing quickly finds herself married to Sharpe and gets whisked away to his home in England. The newlyweds arrive at Allerdale Hall, the Sharpe family’s beautiful, yet ramshackle estate. With red clay bubbling up from the foundation of the property and mixing with the snow, the outside grounds appear to run red with blood, hence the nickname “Crimson Peak.” The scenery isn’t the only thing foreboding here. Edith is met by Thomas’s unwelcoming sister, Lucille, who despite Edith’s kind efforts refuses to warm up to her brother’s new bride. Things take a turn for the worst as gruesome apparitions of former inhabitants appear to Edith at night. Desperate to discover the true history of the house, she soon uncovers something far more horrific—the buried truths that affect her very life.

Just as in Pan’s Labyrinth, director and co-writer Guillermo del Toro continues to weave paranormal elements into his stories that revolve around the very real evil of this world: the human condition. Upon reflection, it’s also impossible not to draw parallels between Crimson Peak and M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. Both were widely advertised as “horror” films, when in fact they were that of the romantic variety…albeit, Crimson being a much darker one. Trailers and TV spots would convince you that ghosts and chilling atmosphere reign supreme at the title manor, but as the protagonist herself states about her own work, “It’s more of a story with a ghost in it.”

You can argue that a movie shouldn’t be judged on the merit of its advertising, but when it’s misleading to moviegoers who fork out ten bucks a ticket, you can’t simply chalk it up as a trivial error. Universal Studios Hollywood even adapted the film into one of their mazes for their annual Halloween Horror Nights event this year, further marketing it as a blatant horror piece. This issue aside, the movie still falls short of expectations even when properly placed in the gothic romance category. At the height of the film, Crimson Peak delivers on all cylinders. The grandiose, gothic scope of the manor is one of the best sets put to film in recent history. Oscar worthy production design brings this dilapidated yet beautiful estate to life, and the cinematography captures its intricacy with flawless depth.

Del Toro proves himself as a visionary director, but the same cannot be said about his storytelling. Given the magnificence and originality of its set design, along with del Toro even stating during filming that he wanted to subvert the conventions of the gothic genre, the movie charms you into thinking that the entire production is just as innovative. What we get instead is a collection of recycled plots from various gothic renderings, ranging from Rebecca, Jane Eyre, and Flowers in the Attic. The script is relatively weak, and the plot “twists” can all be deduced within the first act of the film. The greatest pitfall rests with the Sharpe siblings’ interactions. Their motives are made perfectly clear right out of the gate, killing the supposed blossoming romance between Edith and Thomas, not to mention robbing the audience of a cleverly crafted cloak and dagger back story. And despite Del Toro professing his film to be a gothic romance, there is in fact little romance to be found.

The interpersonal relationship between the main threesome fails from a lack of character depth, and the chemistry between Hiddleston and Wasikowska isn’t all that convincing. Why might that be? Edith’s character suffers from the “Bella Swan” syndrome, as I like to call it. At the start of the film, everyone in Ms. Cushing’s life repeatedly makes mention of her forward thinking and profound sense of individuality. These qualities are supposedly what affect Thomas’s inner most being. 

“You’re different,” he says.

“From what?” questions Edith.

“Everyone.”

Yet, Edith herself doesn’t ever really display any of these inimitable traits. Calling a pigeon a “flamingo” doesn’t change the fact that it’s still simply a pigeon, no matter how many people say it. If anything, Edith is incredibly naïve, especially for a twenty-four year old. Plus, Mia Wasikowska has a rather enigmatic quality to her, showcased wonderfully in films like Jane Eyre and Stoker. Putting her in the shoes of a friendly heroine that the audience should be rooting for on the other hand…it’s apparent that she’s miscast. Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) also seems out of place with his turn as Edith’s pining and polite childhood friend, Dr. Alan McMichael. Tom Hiddleston and Jessica Chastain prove to be the true scene stealers here, despite them having to chew up the sometimes clumsy dialogue.

The untapped potential to this film is enough to make any gothic fan gnash their teeth with frustration. Despite the impressive sets, gorgeous costume design, and talented cast, Crimson Peak sadly proves to be magnificently mediocre.

3 out of 5 Stars    

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REVIEW - "American Horror Story: Hotel"

AHS’s TV teasers are always frighteningly weird and oddly wonderful. They’re essentially works of distressingly beautiful art. This time around with Hotel, it appears showrunners Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk aimed to produce a full 90-minute commercial and decided to slap the label of “episode one” on it. This anthology series is notorious for pushing the envelope, but it seems that the creators threw everything but the kitchen sink into the chaotically paced, aimless premiere.

The plot revolves around Homicide Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley) who finds himself at the center of a series of grisly murders committed by an unknown assailant simply labeled as the Ten Commandments Killer. Asides from him, we’re introduced to a slew of societal misfits all suffering from a variety of addictions. Sarah Palson’s hypodermic Sally, Kathy Bates’ obsessive Iris, Matt Bomer and Lady Gaga’s blood lustful Donovan and the Countess, and so on. Is it an interesting set of characters? Definitely. Their purpose in relationship to the main storyline? Seemingly nothing. And therein lies the rub. The grandiose scenery of the Hotel Cortez is undeniably glorious, but it’s not enough to sustain viewers’ interest when there’s virtually no plot or purpose behind most of the characters.

Everything’s essentially all shot and no powder, in the most disturbing, self-indulgent fashion. American Horror Story is no stranger to disturbing content, and neither are its loyal viewers. Previous seasons gifted us with plenty of nightmare-inducing images, like Asylum’s murderous St. Nick, Freakshow’s killer clown Twisty, and Murder House’s school massacre. What made these scenarios so effectively terrifying was the realistic fear behind the individual stories. Hotel handles its horror factor a bit…differently, to say the absolute least, and it can leave even the most permissive viewers uncomfortable for a variety of reasons.

The erratic storytelling jumps nonsensically from one bloodcurdling scene to the next with no rhyme or reason. We see a woman being pushed out a window at high heights, two female tourists being held captive to be drained of their blood, a creepy guy climbing out a sewn up mattress…for whatever reason, children being abducted, a man’s eyes and tongue being removed, graphic crime scene images including men being strung up by their innards, and a sexual graphic foursome that ends with two participants having their throats slashed open as the other pair drinks their blood.

But AHS makes sure to scar its audience right out of the gate with its most painfully gratuitous display to date when a wildly foppish heroin addict comes strutting through the Hotel Cortez’s lobby. All the man wants is a quiet little place for him to ride out his high, but that plan goes to hell after he shoots up in his recently rented room. He’s attacked by the apparent brother of that eye monster from Pan's Labyrinth, who proceeds to rape the addict with a large drill-bit tipped metallic dildo. As they’d say in Battlestar Galactica, “What the frak?” I’m no prude when it comes to the horror genre, but honestly, the premiere feels like Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk accidentally aired their showcase of sexual fetish snuff film fantasies instead of an actual episode.

As far as the cast is concerned, with the exception of Wes Bentley’s John Lowe, not a single character is the least bit likeable. For anyone curious as to Lady Gaga’s acting chops, just check out her “Telephone” music video. That’s honestly the fullest extent. Her physicality works in her benefit, but whether she has any real emotional range remains to be seen. It’s not until episode two that we get someone truly captivating. Yes, as always, Evan Peters steals the show. This time, in the form of the charming, campy, and utterly psychotic James March, the hotel’s builder and original owner. Despite this bright beacon of hope, the rest of the episode falls flat. As Hotel’s premiere suffers from having virtually no plot, “Chutes And Ladders” fails from having almost nothing but pure exposition. Any creative storyteller knows that it’s always more effective to show rather than tell, so it’s a wonder why Murphy and Falchuk decided to have every plot point discussed verbally by means of literal guidelines and lengthy explanations.

What makes Hotel even more cringe worthy is its blatant lack of originality. You can argue that the show is simply paying homage to other horror projects, but in essence, that’s all the show is. Nothing is organic. The biblically inspired central crime is a rip-off of David Fincher’s Se7en where it’s the Ten Commandments instead of the seven deadly sins. James March’s back story comprises of H.H. Holmes and Sweeny Todd, with the body disposal system and the grisly throat slashing. Countless The Shining references can be spotted everywhere from the creepy children in the halls to a cryptic room number to the similarly shaped patterned carpets. Yes, it’s obvious. And there’s a transparent imitation to 1983’s The Hunger. It’s clear that this season favors style over substance, yet remains unclear as to whether it will ever have an identity of its own. If you dare to place a reservation for Hotel, don’t be surprised if you find yourself checking out prematurely.

American Horror Story: Hotel Rating: D+

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