Pet Peeves and Pet Names

What is my biggest pet peeve? Well, I don’t think I could nail down a single topic to the Number 1 slot, but one of them just happens to be about pets. Don’t worry, no need to hide Fluffy and Spot when I’m around. I like animals. What I hate are Pet Names… for people! You know what I’m talking about: Those cutesy, gag-inducing nicknames exchanged between couples.

I grew up in a household where my parents rarely ever called each other by their names, but always used those sweet identifiers like Babe and Hon (sometimes “Honey”). I respect that, but others take it to another level entirely. Admittedly, on rare occasion the whole “Pumpkin/Honey Bunny” thing can be cute, but for me that’s only when having just watched Pulp Fiction. (Yes, I’m a total freak for finding romantic sentiments in association with Quentin Tarantino. Tell me something I don’t know.) Outside of that, I like the nicknames short, sweet, and simple.

Despite the fact I can control what pet names are exchanged in my relationships, I cannot do the same for others. We’ve all been there. Whether it’s out at dinner, in the store, or on the streets, you’re bound to cross paths with those nauseating, nose-rubbing, finishing-each-other’s-sentences couples that call one another the most absurd things!

Unfortunately, women are the worst when it comes to Pet Names. Sorry, ladies, but you know it’s true. So here are some helpful tips to keeping everyone around you happy, including your man. (Because let’s face it. No self-respecting male wants to be called “shnookums.”)

1. Try not to make the pet name much longer than the person’s name. The point to nicknames is to make it shorter. So if your man’s name is Scott,  “Mookie-Pookie Bear” is COMPLETELY out of the question!

2. That’s brings me to my second point. No hyphens! Nothing good came from a hyphened pet-name. Leave hyphens to their respective owners with REAL names like Joseph Gordon-Levitt where they belong.

3. Thirdly, test your pet name out on a Microsoft Word document. If when typing out the moniker and spell-check underlines it with red, please reconsider! Worse, if you right-click on the word and the spell-check has no suggestions (because what you typed isn’t even anything closely resembling a single word in the entirety of literature), toss it! Toss it, kick it, throw it out a moving car, 86 it like a flaming brown paper bag on your front porch!

Do this, and I can guarantee your partner and your common passersby will appreciate the gesture.