Grand theft auto,
computer chip implants, creepy messages, and some serious smooching. Sounds
like Rosewood’s in for one hell of a ride…or so you’d think. The show opens up
on a rather unintentionally hilarious note. Alison’s father heads outside to
pick up the mail and notices an envelope tucked under the windshield wipers of
his car. He takes it and finds a birthday card inside, apparently not liking
what’s written in it. Mr. DeLaurentis looks up and down the street, seeing
Emily heading in his direction on her bike. Blatantly freaked out, he stops
her, demanding to know if she saw who put the card on his car.
And this is where the
laughter comes in. Given that Emily was coming up the street after you
already found the card, common sense would tell you that she saw even less than
you did, Mr. D. So unless Emily’s normal cycling routine consists of her
creepily driving up and down your block repeatedly for an hour straight, she’s
obviously not going to be much help.
From there, the episode
takes a turn to the land of fluff and run-time padding. Hanna and Caleb continue
squabbling following their “on a break” breakup before rekindling their romance
with a hot and heavy make-out session on Hanna’s bed. Emily’s given the chance
to go to Thailand for humanitarian work, but she ultimately turns it down to
stay in Rosewood with Sarah who she shares a kiss with by episode’s end.
Whether Aria and Ezra will get back together is still a matter up in the air,
as they share a sweet but awkward moment over the recommendation letter he
gives to help her. And lastly, Spencer finds herself in yet another love
triangle as her addiction sponsor, Dean, confesses to having romantic feelings
for her.
With the melodrama out of
the way, Hanna decides to “borrow” Lesli Stone’s car by stealing it from a
valet. After the theft, she and Spencer raid the inside of the vehicle to find
a laboratory pass for Lesli’s college, along with boxes full of large,
unassembled animal cages that could easily fit a human. The girls have Caleb
copy Lesli’s pass and break into the lab where she’s conducting research. As
Hanna, Spencer, and Aria scour the empty workplace, Hanna’s head sets off a
sensor upon leaning over in front of some metal detecting equipment. “Why am I
beeping?” she demands as Spencer tilts her head from side to side. Spencer
grabs the handle to the sensor and runs it over Hanna, discovering the GPS
tracker implanted in the back of her neck before finding the same in her own.
“The bitch chipped us!”
When Mona crashes the
party, Spencer and Hanna call out Lesli for all her scheming before Ms.
Vanderwaal sets the record straight. Lesli isn’t impersonating Charles and
isn’t out for revenge on Bethany Young’s behalf. The real Charles is in fact alive.
Hanna denies the claim, showing her Charles’s death records and organ donation
certificate. Mona immediately debunks the legitimacy of the documents, pointing
out that Charles’s liver, which was supposedly donated, wouldn’t have been
viable given all the medications he was taking. The episode closes with Mr.
DeLaurentis burying the card he found on his windshield in front of Charles’s
headstone….with the letter oh so conveniently opened up on the ground for the
audience to read.
“Dear Daddy,
Coming home for my
birthday. You should plan a party to die for. Just you.
Love,
Charles”
Oh, boy. Where to even
begin with this one…
Not until the last
quarter of “No Stone Unturned” are viewers given anything remotely riveting,
and those reveals are flawed at best. The rest of the episode can pretty much
be chalked up to being filler. Hanna and Caleb’s supposed breakup is nothing
more than melodrama. Emily’s attraction to Sarah really makes no sense. Ezra’s
screen time feels unnecessary. And most infuriating of all, Dean’s seemingly
sudden infatuation with Spencer destroys a previously well-meaning character.
Not only are Dean’s affections completely inappropriate since he’s her sponsor,
but he and Spencer had a sound friendship. This turn of choice taints his
intentions, especially after he declares that he doesn’t care that she’s dating
Toby. He just wants to kiss her.
Seriously, how many more
guys are the writers going to ham into the script for this poor girl? Just look
at Spencer’s track record over the last few months in her life. She’s been
dating Toby. She had her fling with Colin during her trip to England. Then she
got all chummy with her starving-artist house guest, Johnny. And now there’s
Dean. Slow your roll, folks, and focus on one guy. Please.
This scenario is all the
more sinful, because the writers frequently do this with the Liars. They
introduce a potential love interest, and then… POOF! Said person vanishes in
place of another Minute-Man. If these proposed relationships aren’t meant to
pan out after just a few episodes, why bring them in at all? Anybody remember
Travis Hobbs? No? You know when Caleb left Rosewood to star in his own failed
spin-off series Ravenswood? Hanna was left all alone until the
kind, gracious Travis came along. He became her temporary boyfriend in season
four…until actor Tyler Blackburn returned to the show. Then Travis suddenly
vanished off the face of the earth, just like Talia (who was recently linked
with Emily) and Adam Santiago (Spencer’s love interest in season one). This
frequent treatment makes it hard for fans to connect with new characters,
because we’re always anticipating them to make a quick, non-returnable exit.
Compounding this with
the silly opening and Hanna’s unexplainable carjacking, the few redeeming
moments in this episode aren’t enough to save it for perpetual yawning.
Honestly, how did Hanna return Lesli’s car after taking it from the freaking
valet?
Pretty Little Liars -
“No Stone Unturned” Rating: D
+
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